one pissed off goalie.

movies

Tue, 02 Sep 2003 04:16:15 GMT

as a follow up to my unsuccessful first date, i tried to take my mom to the movies for her birthday. heres how that went...

me: two tickets for 'another stupid johnny depp movie' plz!
ticket ass: you cannot take your mother into the theatre sir.
me: BUT WHHHHYYYYYY?
ticket ass: because she's a head, you sick fuck!
me: WHY YOU HATIN'?
ticket ass: because sir, there are children and stupid teenage girls galore, this being a johnny depp movie and all, and i hear this time, he's not just wearing eyeliner - he's wearing lip stick and panty hose!
me: *covering mom's ears* DON'T LISTEN MAMA, HE'S LYIN! LYYYYYING!!! I WOULD NEVER TAKE YOU TO SEE SUCH TRASH!
ticket ass: he also gets naked and does the macarena! mwahahahah!! NO WAIT, THATS ME!!!

and then he... he... i can't say! mother was HORRIFIED. i was horrified, and i kill people in violent ways!

ticket ass: heeey macarena!!
me: YOU SICK BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU IN FRONT OF MOTHER!? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

i was insane with rage! i grabbed that bastard and threw him over my shoulder and ran through the parking lot to baskin robbins and shoved him in the freezer while i had a malt. then i took the ice cream scoop and jammed it into his chest and scooped out his evil, twisted, black, i-don't-respect-jason's-mom-because-'i'm-stupid heart, put it on a sugar cone, and gave it to a little kid. the little kid didn't appreciate the effort i made, so i cut out his heart too and made it a double scoop. then i went home and watched 'joe shmoe' and plotted to kill everyone who had anything to do with that garbage. mother, by the way, told me never to take her anywhere again until i can behave myself in public places. :(

my first date.

Sun, 31 Aug 2003 00:58:16 GMT

i went on a date last night. it was a little awkward at first... but i quickly broke the ice, along with several of her body parts. once she stopped screaming, i ordered for us. i got a cheeseburger and fries. she was a fat fucking beast though, and wanted to spend all my money. so i took her milkshake and hit her with it. she flipped out about 'you son of a bitch, i just bought this dress!' some gratitude! i narrowly escaped death to take her out to dinner, and all she can do is bitch!? the nerve! so i picked her up and choke slammed her through the table. by that time, the employees were starting to get nervous and asked me to leave. so i grabbed them both by their throats, carried them back to the kitchen, and broke off their limbs, deep frying them one by one. thats because at burger king, they do it my way, goddamnit. after those losers were dead, salted, and served to the unsuspecting couple at the drive-thru, i got back to my date. she was waking up. i threw her over my shoulder - perhaps using a little too much force, because she went flying through the window. TRYING TO DESERT ME HUH?! WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. i grabbed a bag of frozen onion rings and bludgeoned her with them until she stopped moving. then i went home and watched 'run away bride' and cried because julia roberts is a stupid slut. maybe i should take her out next...

stupid people, and why i harm them.

Thu, 28 Aug 2003 21:24:26 GMT

chapter 1: lorrie

some of you may be wondering why exactly, at the end of my latest movie, i allowed lorrie and her ugly boyfriend to walk away from my camp. could it be - i have a heart afterall?

NO!?

you see, i allowed them to live because whether or not freddy will cooperate, there will undoubtably be a sequel, especially since freddy vs jason was popular, so the movie bastards are going to milk it for all its worth. so, in freddy vs jason 2, don't expect to see me or freddy in our usual forms. i will be played by p diddy and will instead of wearing my traditional hockey mask, i will be wearing stupid sunglasses and instead of my rags, i will be wearing an expensive suit, and instead of killing people, i will be hanging out in foot locker trying on high heels.

but back to lorrie and will. they needed to live for the sequel, its predictable, and predictable is profitable. its why every horror movie you see these days involves a large breasted moron running around half naked while an evil unlike anything we've ever seen before since we last turned on mtv stalks them unsuccessfully. pretty girls getting killed are something we can all enjoy, of course, but one must always escape.

and yet i find myself unwilling to wait for a sequel. so follow me as i hop on a greyhound (i leave the driving to them, i'll tell you what) and we drive to lorrie's house.

now here we are outside her window. she's getting undressed. GET A CLOSE UP GODDAMNIT, THIS SHOW NEEDS THE RATINGS. as i was saying before i lost my composure, here we are outside lorrie's window and she's naked. DON'T WAVE AT ME BITCH, YOU'RE MAKING THIS LOOK REALLY FAKE. god i am pissed.

machete in hand, naturally, i waltz in through her front door which she left unlocked for no apparent reason, and leave it wide open incase any other vicious murderers need to get in while i'm upstairs. so i march upstairs, loud as hell, and still nobody hears me. the family dog gets in my way, so i stomp on its head. it makes a shitload of noise, and i hear lorrie in her room asking that pinhead will if he 'heard that!?' yes he heard that, but its probably just sparky getting violently killed, nothing to be worried about. oh, okay. i throw open the door, but its the wrong room, son of a bitch, i obviously didn't need to see her dad in THAT position. oh well, since we're here, i might as well gut him and hang his intestines around the room like crepe paper. so then my machete meets his belly button and it looks like the beginning of a beautiful relationship. with her father disposed of, i make my way to lorrie's room. she's fucking will, i am not surprised so much as i am repulsed. will jumps up and knocks her off, she cracks her head on the night stand, and thats the last we hear from her. NO SHE'S NOT DEAD. will starts waving his hands at me and making threats and telling me he's going to 'kick my ass,' totally overlooking the fact that if he went one on one with an empty snickers wrapper, he'd be spending the next several months in the emergency room. i see no way around it. grabbing will by his ankles, i flip him upside down, carry him into the bathroom, and give him a - what are they called? a swirlie, i think? head in the toilet!!! i love it. i'm trying something a little new here, flushing his head over and over just to see how long it stays funny. after about an hour, i'm still laughing, but lorrie wakes up and tries to be a hero. fucking bitch. i stomp on her foot and she runs screaming into the kitchen pantry and stays there for the next three days. after 3 days of flushing will's head, its not so funny anymore. so i drag him downstairs, out the back, to the garden, and beat him over the head with a shovel until his head comes off, which inspires me to chase the neighbors kids around with the shovel beating their heads off too.

with the whole neighborhood dead, i can get back to lorrie. but when i get there, i find that i locked my fucking self out. this is such bullshit, i told her to make me a key. damnit all, now i have to wait for a locksmith out here on the porch. this is so embarrassing. after 20 minutes, i remember my formidable size and kick the door down with my big toe, ha, eat your heart out freddy krueger.

i get to the pantry, but she's not in there. a quick check of the house shows that she's not there. so i do what any concerned killing machine would do, and i get on the computer and print out some 'MISSING PERSON' signs. after i tape them up all over town, i hit up a bar and crack some skulls. once they throw me out for disorderly behaviour, i take a walk to cool down and run into none other than my arch enemy, and sometimes poker buddy, freddy krueger.

'rough night?' he asks, running me over with a steam roller. the owner of the steam roller was scattered across the street. 'yeah, it sucks to be me!' i called from underneath the massive wheel. i could hear him tapping his knife fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. once he had run me over a couple of times, he gave up, and mooning me angrily, he stomped off into the night. it occured me that his efforts to end my unendable life were - how to put this delicately - halfassed bullshit!? AND WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GET THAT LOW CUT TEE-SHIRT COVERED IN BLOOD!? SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY AND IT MIGHT BE ME SINCE I JUST CLIMBED OUT OF A LAKE, BUT IT MIGHT BE HIM TOO BECAUSE I THINK HE KILLED LORRIE AND I WANTED TO!!! NO FAIR!

'thats right bitch, while you were off beating kids with shovels, i did what you failed to do the first time around! i killed her! i killed lorrie! i drug her through hell backwards and made witty remarks as i did so! BITCH!!!!'

BITCH?! DID HE JUST CALL ME A BITCH!? I MIGHT BE A MAMA'S BOY. AND I MIGHT BE A RETARD. AND I MIGHT EVEN BE A FATHER, BUT I WON'T KNOW UNTIL MY GIRLFRIEND GETS THE RESULTS BACK, BUT I AM NOT A BITCH!

'YES YOU ARE! BITCH.'

THATS IT!!!

but before i could kill freddy, lorrie came running down the street covered in blood. freddy an i both forgot about each other and ran torwards her. now play that again in slow motion. okaaaaay... good. now we're each pulling on one of lorrie's arms.

'SHE'S MINE!'
'...'
'MINE!!'
'...'
'NO, MINE, BITCH!'
'!!!'
'BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!!!'
'LOL?'

then her arms came off and she died.

'i thought you said you killed her!'
'i thought i said you were a bitch, too.'

i don't understand that guy.

stay tuned for chapter two!

so now i'm back, from outerspace...

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 21:43:12 GMT

i have decided to write a book, as inuyasha111 suggested. it will be called stupid people, and why i harm them. it will be a complete volume on my only real hobby - the vicious, unprovoked killing of innocent (STUPID BASTARD ASSHOLE SLUTTY FUCKING MOTHER KILLING) teens. :)

michael myers.

Tue, 26 Aug 2003 14:34:52 GMT

since a certain flamer is harassing me constantly (haha dude, i like, stood outside your house last night for hours with my machete and waited for you to come outside. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME THROWING SEVERED BODY PARTS AT YOUR WINDOW? it was raining and it was cold and your cat scratched me and now its infected) and said that i am almost as bad as michael myers, i decided to set the record straight on my relationship with michael myers.

michael and i go waaaaaaaaaay back. we shared a sandbox in second grade. when he killed his sister, i was like 'dude... deep.' and he didn't say anything, he just stood there scratching his crotch and staring at me. i got uncomfortable and threw him in the gutter. we haven't spoken since, but i hear he's gone on to become a masked murderer like me. wtf. at least i picked a macho mask, HOCKEY, yeeeah, it looks like he tore the skin off a pig's ass and cut holes in it then pulled it over his ugly face. michael myers wishes he was half as sexy as i am, oh yeah. i sway my hips and make obscene gestures to prove this statement. and my homicides are far greater than his, all he does is walk around stabbing people, at least i alternate savage killing methods, a railroad spike through the neck here, a broken neck there, a harpoon impalement after bowling, ya know? i mean, theres like 25 michael myers movies, and all he does is chase his sister around with a butcher knife. if i had a sister, i would at least have the decency to use a weed whacker or a golf cart, SHE'S FAMILY MICHAEL, SHOW SOME RESPECT, you fuck.

and that is all.

i wrote my own movie.

Mon, 25 Aug 2003 02:15:26 GMT

i decided that since i find my current movies utterly repugnant, i would write my own, doing myself the justice that i deserve.

friday the 13th eleven: jason goes to school

the day would start with my dear mommy prying my thumb out of my mouth and replacing it with a spoonful of strained peas. i would commence to choking on them, and would probably die. i would then come back to life just seconds later after remembering that i can't die.

after breakfast, i would go upstairs and change my rags. and probably my hockey mask. maybe i would do something different and wear a plastic marilyn monroe halloween mask?

for some unknown reason a naked girl would run by me screaming and i would stab her repeatedly before throwing her down the stairs. i would then somehow be waiting for her at the foot of the stairs, and would kick her.

me: MOTHER JUST VACUUMED THAT CARPET, YOU TRAMP! *outraged*
mother: don't get angry jason sweetie *gets up on a ladder so she can pinch my cheek since even though i died before i hit puberty, i grew into the jolly fucking green giant* mommy-wommy can handle this! yes she can!

mother would then get this huge vacuum out of the closet and would suck off the girl's limbs one by one until there was nothing left. i would probably be clapping and cheering and backing my ass up in the corner. then the bus would arrive. the short one. wtf.

well once i got on the short bus, all the other kids had to get off to make room for me. i didn't feel like letting them get off though, so i crushed their skulls and shoved them under the seats. wave bye-bye to mommy now, and the camera would zoom in on the tears running down my cheeks as i watched mother butcher the mailman without me. he must have had my report card, that slanderous piece of paper that told its lies about how i made a machete out of legos and stabbed little brandon to death FOR NO REASON?!!??!!??!, that son of a bitch was making eyes at susan and susan was wearing a skirt that was too short, so i drew a picture of me cutting her heart out and gave it to her. ugh.

anyway, once at school, i would sit in my 25 desks and stab kids when the teacher wasn't looking. one time she caught me slitting johnny's throat and gave me a detention. i cried.

once it was time for lunch, i would wander slowly down the hallway and beat people to death with my binder. the carnage would be unbelievable, and i mean unbelievable - how the fuck did that liver get stuck to the ceiling anyway?

in the lunchroom, kids would be milling around, talking, eating, the usual. i would smash some nerd's head through a vending machine and steal a candy bar which would be poking out the back of his skull. ALMOND JOY?! I HATE ALMOND JOY. this would piss me off, so i would have to grab a chair and start chasing president george bush around the front lawn with it. i don't know why george bush was there, probably looking for small children to have sex with. well i fixed his little red wagon. a chair leg through the ribs and all was well.

after lunch would be recess. i would hang kids from the monkey bars with their shoelaces and strangle sally when she wouldn't let me play hopscotch with her and beth. stuck up whores.

after recess would be nap time. i usually don't sleep, but i made an exception this time and dreamt of a real prick named freddy krueger. heres how that would go:

me: *stands there*
freddy: whats the matter jason? nothing to say?
me: WELL OBVIOUSLY.
freddy: *sprays me with a hose*
me: *wet myself hardcore so that every bodily fluid i am still in posession of is running down my leg*
freddy: don't tell me - this is your first WET dream!?

NO. THERE WAS THAT ONE ABOUT ME AND BRITNEY SPEARS AND A BAZOOKA. SO HA HA HA. jackass.

and i know that his last line is something similiar to something he said in one of his movies, but it seemed appropriate since i was wet and dreaming, lmao, get it, wet dream?! i crack me up.

so then i would wake up all wet and the other kids would laugh at me and push me and somehow i would fall into a lake and drown. i would walk out of the lake a few moments later, the sun setting behind me, maybe a dolphin or two, do dolphins live in lakes? i would be carrying something. something dark and scary. like a marilyn manson cd, oh my.

mother would tuck me in for bed and tell me not to let the bed bugs bite and i would spend the entire night swinging my machete in the dark trying to kill those bastard bugs. the next morning i would fall out of the window and land in the lake again. i am really getting sick of that lake following me around like that.

several months later i would win an award for my outstanding movie and acting and would give some heartfelt, fake speech about feeding the hungry and saving the children. i would kill 4 or 5 reporters, but my new celebrity status would ensure that the police ran around in circles for months trying to find somebody to blame instead of me.

i would kill whoever they blamed too and become a hero for killing those monsters. w00t w00t.

THE END.

EH!?

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 14:16:06 GMT

freddy hurt my feelwings.

observe

just thought i'd share.

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 14:14:04 GMT

i'm going to kill you. no. seriously.

the return of the mama's boy.

Sun, 24 Aug 2003 11:03:05 GMT

that jason x movie was terrible. i scoff and wave my machete threateningly at the directors. even i, a dead retard, have better taste than that... whats that you say? 'but jason, the way you killed people was SO creative, and YOU were the violently brilliant force behind freddy vs jason, without you, that movie was NOTHING, because what exactly did freddy do, other than run his mouth and try to make babies with that ugly lorrie girl? NOTHING. YOU killed them all, so we'll overlook the homoerotic nature of jason x, and we'll pretend that whole thing with you flying through outerspace kicking your arms and legs pointlessly as you neared the space shuttle where the two survivors were surviving only to be thwarted by that one guy who you failed to kill despite stabbing him twice, because we loooove you jason. and cutting off that jackass's head and dangling it in front of the fat greasy guy with the do-rag - genius!' *BLUSH* i do have a way with sharp objects... but nonetheless! kruegercantdie will be paying for that pole through my stomach. that sucked and i'm mad.